GIVING UP ISN'T EASY!!!

I am sulking in one corner of the room unaware of what is going on around me, or so it seems to my spectators. I answer their queries with a dull, "I feel restless to the core.". Sometimes the reply is, "It will pass.", and I say to myself, "Yeah right!", because I am, involuntarily drained out of all optimism at that particular moment which seems to drag on and on. I feel crushed under the darkness. I feel I can never straighten myself ever again. I feel helplessness and despair coil around my neck like a snake waiting to suck the life out of me. I feel every dismal and morose thought being injected into my brain against my will. I feel some draconian power trying to push out the little hope, firm and surprisingly strong, from each and every single cell that I am made of. I feel, with a sudden pang of fear that, this absolutely pathetic and atrocious emotion is what I have to live with till the end. And it is all the more disgusting because this is not me! This is not the way I let my thoughts unwind no matter what!

And, some other trying times, I have, "Oh! It is just what you think. It is all in your mind. Just try to divert it and think positive.", thrown at my face. On listening to this (listening, not hearing), I can feel anger blazing through my veins ready to burst out if I open my mouth just slightly. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "What do you think I am doing???!!!! How, do you think, am I standing in front of you putting up with your nonsense despite the strangling inner turmoil?!!! What is it, if not positive thinking, that makes me seem so normal??? How difficult is it to understand that this is something over my control!!?? And, above all, which human on the face of planet Earth would want to fill his/her life with killing gloom intentionally while all the people around are leading lives normally??????!!!!!".

But I don't open my mouth and let the fire burn me only because I dont want to regret anything I said in a trance later and also because somewhere deep down I know that the people saying this are well-wishers and they wouldn't hurt me knowingly whatsoever. They just have a different school of thought and can't put themselves in my shoes. Nobody's fault and therefore I tell myself to shut up and stop myself from doing anything reckless. ALHUMDULILLAH.

I might seem perfectly normal to the people around me. Someone who has got everything she needs. The best parents ever. A perfect family. Good education (after all I am going to be a software engineer in another 6-7 months and nobody cares what I have learnt in these 4 years!). No problems and no trials. But still she keeps on cribbing without an end as though she is going through all the problems in the world. What an ungrateful creature!

I don't deny any of that except the part, "no probems and no trials". Infact I consider myself the luckiest for having been blessed with EVERYTHING. I sincerely thank and praise ALLAH ta'ala for every small and big gift He has bestowed upon me. Neither do I question anything nor do I wish to change anything.

Yet, it is very challenging to close my eyes to the fact that I have lost so much. Loss in terms of preparing for the Hereafter and not the materialistic one. And this loss is something, only I (the only human) can truly sense and acknowledge. It has been tiresome trying to cope up everytime I am dumped into the devilish sadness. I have reached a stage where I feel I can cry at the drop of a hat. Actually, I do. It is burdensome even now but I never say "why me?" ALHUMDULILLAH. I never say I am the one with all the problems. Never ever. I have seen people with issues that are insane. I have felt their pain to an extent. I know there are many people with problems I don't even know of. And I am thankful for every trivial thing in every sense. But it is not easy for me. Neither is it easy for me to give up. Optimism flows in like fresh air with the mesmerising scent of hope that fills every part of me as though it found its abode. All thanks to the undeterred faith, given to me by the Almighty, that stays calm until pessimism crosses the limit.

 I am fortunate enough to be blessed with people who understand me. As I say this, I realize the harsh truth. They are not going to be with me forever (depends on my death time :)). Under normal conditions this would be the case. So, with a fear of the reverse, I wish that I continue to be blessed in terms of understanding from the people to whom I will be related..... IN SHA ALLAH.....

I pray that my mindset is kept intact or be improved for everyone's good!

Reading the above sentence, I think people who know me will remark, "Itna paagalpan kaafi hai!". Let's see.... ;)